Tamika Miller knows what she wants in a husband.
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Her Mr. Right would be ambitious and driven, well-mannered and polite, smart, attractive, faithful and, of course, ready for family life.
But the 35-year-old Alsip woman has one thing hampering her dating search: she's an African-American woman hoping to meet and marry an African-American man. And that puts her in the category of singles least likely to marry, according to U.S. census figures.
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'I am getting older. I've never been married. I don't have any children. And that's something that I want in my life,' she said. 'It's hard to meet black guys who want to be in a committed relationship. And that's what I'm looking for.'
Recently, stories like Miller's have been recounted so often that they've created a boutique industry — comedian Steve Harvey and actor Hill Harper have written books on the matter; there have been reality shows, blogs and YouTube videos; and ABC produced a 'Nightline' segment on the topic.
But now a different conversation is emerging in the black community. Rather than fixate on the bleak statistics, some have started working to bring singles together in ways once considered taboo by many African-Americans.
They are orchestrating matches on Twitter and Facebook. Some are hosting meet-ups and living-room gatherings for black singles to mix and mingle. Others are luring singles into their lounges for candid conversations about how to date and how to find true love.
This grass-roots movement is forcing some singles out of their comfort zones and into territory once viewed with trepidation by many African-Americans. Traditionally, African-Americans shied away from professional matchmakers and relationship coaching, said Paul Carrick Brunson, a Washington-based matchmaker.
'I'm very, very excited and happy to see that African-Americans are finally receiving … dating services,' he said. Brunson said interest in his work as a matchmaker has grown steadily over the past two years.
'There's a strong reception now and there are a couple of reasons why. Every ethnicity is obsessed with relationships. We all have the drive to love and relationships are an integral part of our lives. (African-Americans) are now embracing new strategies because of all the dialogue around relationships,' Brunson said.
Brunson brought his popular speed-dating event to Chicago for the first time over the weekend.
Called Flow Dating, it screens singles and engages them in dozens of mini-dates. The introductions are made in a laid-back venue with light music and cocktails as the backdrop to make it less intimidating, Brunson said.
According to 2009 U.S. Census Bureau figures, for every 100 single black women, there are 79 single black men, a number that also includes the revolving prison population, officials said. According to a 2006 Kaiser Foundation Family report, the number of incarcerated African-American men ages 18-29 is nearly seven times that of white men.
In Chicago, for every 100 single black women, there are 75 single black men.
The imbalance is partially due to the rate of murder and death among black men, said Micere Keels, a professor of comparative human development at the University of Chicago.
African-Americans have the lowest marriage rates among all races in the U.S., the census shows. And according to a 2003 National Center of Health Statistics report, African-Americans have the highest rate of households headed by single mothers.
The reasons why marriage rates are so low among African-Americans are more complex than just the mismatch between the numbers of eligible women and eligible men; they also reflect economics, said Keels, who researches the topic.
Typically, Americans believe you must be financially sound for marriage, Keels said. And because there is a larger segment of black men connected to the prison system, or with low job prospects, the pool of eligible men is smaller, she said.
For African-American singles interested in a college-educated partner, the dating pool shrinks further, Keels said.
'They are in different workplaces, different communities, so where do you meet each other?' Keels said. 'For those that do want to marry, they have to find each other.'
But many singles still want the option of a traditional family and view marriage and responsible parenthood as vital and a way to ensure the survival of the black community.
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The statistics are often recited by patrons who step into Three Peas Art Lounge in the South Loop, said co-owner Maya Camille-Broussard. Nearly every person who pulls up a seat at the bar wants to talk about relationship and dating troubles, she said.
Her African-American patrons grapple with a special set of issues, she said. Some complain about the unbalanced numbers and the struggles of meeting available bachelors. Others say their love lives are disproportionately affected by the economic crisis.
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Hoping to help steer the relationship conversation, Camille-Broussard started hosting a 'Wine and Love' event once a month. She envisioned it as a way for men and women in the dating scene to learn from each other.
'I did not want it to be cliche or people to talk over each other or use 'countrified' language,' she said. 'We're having a mature, organized conversation.'
On a recent night, nearly 50 young, well-dressed, mostly African-American men and women piled into the small, artsy space, filling all the chairs and then lining the walls.
'Can men and women just be friends?' asked host Isaac Paul Austin, kicking off the discussion by drawing a moan from the crowd. 'Let's say you once dated, it didn't work out, and now you are best friends.'
Some in the crowd nodded, and others piped up with their opinions.
The conversation isn't supposed to turn into a lecture, Austin said. Although it can begin on a light note, the discussion does go into more persistent issues affecting African-American couples, like unemployment, finances and redefining traditional roles. Austin said he hopes guests leave thinking more deeply about their own beliefs, and maybe with a few phone numbers.
'This is not a lesson plan. We bring things up and let people open up on their own,' he said.
Ron West, a newly divorced 44-year-old diversity consultant, said he attended the discussion because he wants to know more about getting the healthy relationship he craves.
'Seeing African-American male-female relationships improve is important to our very survival. So being a part of a dialogue is healthy for us,' West said.
It was a dialogue that persuaded Tamika Miller to adjust the way she looks for dates. Miller said she is content with her life but wants companionship.
She used to sit back and wait until she was approached, she says. Now she makes certain that she goes out to a lounge at least once a week; she's completed an online profile; and she let her friends know she's interested in being fixed up — with serious candidates.
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'I think what everybody is looking for is that special someone,' she said. 'Now, I'm just open to trying things in a non-traditional format to see where it goes. I'm a little nervous, but I'm excited about the possibilities.'