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The illustrious stoner boy: a breed that must have been created by the Gods of sex and cannabis.
Think about it: Guys are great, weed is phenomenal and when you combine the two, you get a better combination than Nutella and a spoon. Add sex into the equation and you have hit the trifecta of bliss.
There is a big difference between a guy who occasionally smokes a bowl before watching 'Game of Thrones' and a true pothead. A pothead takes weed to the 420th level.
His room resembles a smoke shop, and you can spot a bong faster than a book in there. Whether they deal it or they are simply marijuana enthusiasts, these guys can be some of the most interesting people you will ever encounter.
They also will be the best hookup you ever have, and this is not just an assumption. You know how four out of five dentists recommend Trident? Well I would say four out of five times you hook up with a stoner, you will be as content as wannabe-hippies on April 20.
That being said, I am a big advocate for hooking up with a stoner for multiple reasons:
They Are So Damn Cute
Like any group of people, stoners come in all shapes and sizes. You can have the boy next door who lights up, the Calvin Klein model who keeps a joint in his briefs, or the archetypal long-haired, tie-dye clad smoker.
However, there is something about stoners that makes them extremely attractive. My theory is that their charm comes from the classic stoner facial expression: squinty eyes and an enormous smile that is impossible to resist. Be still, my heart.
They Have Stellar Personalities
These smokin’ hot blazers are outgoing, laidback, creative and open-minded. They don't mind being silly and they definitely don't give a sh*t about what other people think about them. Letting good vibes and good times serve as their personal motto, stoner boys just wanna have fun. This is where you enter the picture.
Stoners are friendly and approachable people, and they even provide you with an easy conversation starter: asking for a lighter. This is your hook, or the first part of a three-step plan to land a stoner in the sack.
If you don’t smoke, you can still ask for a light. Just say, “It’s for my friend,” and then suddenly realize your “friend” must have walked away and introduce yourself.
After conversing for a while, casually throw the word “tapestry” into the conversation. This is step two, also known as your hook line. When he mentions he has a tapestry in his bedroom (which he definitely will), ask if you can see it. That’s your final step, also known as your sinker. Now you won’t be seen until the next afternoon.
The Life-Changing Hookup
This will be a historic moment in your life. It’ll be one for the books, and you will leave only wanting more. This feeling of absolute delight will come over you largely because stoners are giving individuals. If he smokes you out, you can guarantee the same generosity will be demonstrated in bed.
You know how stoners can do impressive things, like make smoke rings when they exhale? Yeah, imagine what else they can do with their mouths. Once the mind-blowing sex is over, the two of you will be on the verge of passing out, but you’ll be awake enough for a quick, pre-sleep smoke session that results in a blissful night of sleep.
You’ll wake up feeling groggy, yet satisfied. The often dreaded pillow talk can actually be enjoyable if you and Cheech indulge in a wake and bake session. If you’ve smoked before, you know how easy it is to bond over anything when high: food, Animal Planet, shapes... You name it and you can have a 20-minute conversation about it.
If you need something to talk about, I suggest having an in-depth discussion about how cool the ocean is. But seriously, if you think about it, 95 percent of the ocean is undiscovered. That is an unreal thought sober, let alone while high.
The Catch...
It all sounds too good to be true, and like most things in this world, it is. He may be exhaling a smoke signal that reads: not relationship ready. Bob Marley once posed the question, 'Could you be loved?' I will elaborate and ask, could you be loved by your dashiki-clad hook-up buddy? It's very possible!
Here are some issues that you may want to consider before getting serious with your stoner:
He Lives In His Own Little World
The truth of the matter is that potheads constantly escape to a different world. It’s a damn cool place to visit, but it strays from reality.
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I’m not saying I love real life all the time. I wish I lived in a Wes Anderson movie, but you can’t permanently reside in your own wonderland. So during the times when you need your guy to be physically, as well as mentally present, it can be an issue.
He Can Be A Liability
We all do things that aren’t necessarily legal. I pee in public all the time, and just as I run the risk of being caught squatting with my pants down behind a Taco Bell, he will run the risk of getting in trouble with the fuzz.
If you guys are just hooking up, then you definitely won’t have to bail him out, but when it’s your boyfriend, you’re more inclined to help if he runs into trouble with the law.
Easy solution to this issue: legalize marijuana. Come on, American government, can't you see that making pot illegal is a roadblock for a girl who is trying to get into a serious relationship with a stoner? Help a sister out!
Sobriety Is Not A Bad Thing
Granted, this is coming from a girl who partakes in Mike's Hard Mondays, but it is true that you don’t want to constantly be under any influence when in a relationship.
If you love weed as much or even more than your guy does, then you may want to reevaluate if you should be in a relationship together. A stoned movie and Chinese food night sounds like a fabulous ritual to do alone, and it's even better if you have someone special to share it with.
Just be cautious that you don’t constantly enable each other. Sobriety is important in relationships because it allows you to display your most authentic self.
You'll Find Yourself In Second Place
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I like to think of myself as a modern-day woman, so if I ever did go on dates, I would offer to pay for myself… every once in a while. Sure, you’ll probably save money on your own personal stash of pot if you date a stoner, but it’s really not about money. This is more about the principle of the situation.
Material things do not make a relationship successful. Yes, they are nice, but without sentiment, they are just objects. I was overjoyed when an ex-boyfriend made me an origami creation of my favorite childhood cartoon character for Christmas, and even more overjoyed when I ripped it up and threw it in a fire after we broke up.
I’m not saying a good boyfriend has to buy you expensive things; I am saying that if he’s willing to spend a small fortune on pot, then you may feel like you are coming in second place to his other girlfriend, Mary Jane.
He may take the gold medal when it comes to hooking up, but you run the risk of taking silver if you are a stoner’s girlfriend.
Just remember, weed is great, but you are much doper. Pun totally intended.
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